How to say “no” to everything ever.

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“I’m as proud of what we don’t do as I am of what we do.”
–Steve Jobs

It’s been said that one of the secrets to Steve Jobs’ success was to “say no to 1,000 things.”

You’ll find this theme percolating throughout the biographies of myriad heroes & mentors. Highly-productive & satisfied people say “no” to non-essential projects, tasks, requests & opportunities — and they say it so well.

We all know that we need to say “no,” about 1,000 times more than we say “yes.” But we don’t. And we pay the price, with over-cluttered calendars, over-saturated psyches, and over-clenched shoulders that never quite sink away from our earlobes.

There are plenty of things that stop us from saying “no.” Not having the right language to do it … shouldn’t be one of them.

Today, I’m offering a sane & humane structure for your very next “no.” And while there’s no lab-tested formula for a “Perfect No”, the script I’m about to share is pretty darn close. Use it often, and with love.

5 steps to scripting a “Perfect No.”

1. Open with gratitude.
You can’t go wrong with gratitude & appreciation. Ever.

“Deep thanks for writing.”

“I’m touched by your note.”

“I always love hearing from you — thank you for swinging back into my world.”

2. Acknowledge their courage.
It takes balls (or ovaries, depending on your perspective) to ask for something you desperately need (or even just kinda-sorta want.) Reflect back that you get it.

“I can see how much this project means to you, and I’m touched by your determination & drive.”

“Asking for something you want (and need) can be tough. I’m moved by your clear, honest request.”

“I know what it takes to reach out to someone you don’t know, and ask for support. I love your initiative-seizing chutzpah!”

3. Tell them “no.”
This point is non-negotiable. Be clear. Avoid wibbly-wobbly words like “maybe…” and “someday” and “if only…”

“My answer is no.”

“This feels like a no.”

“I love you, but no.”

“That’s not a commitment I can make. I’ve got to say no.”

“You are a spectacular human being. Which makes it (really) hard to say no. But … no.”

4. Tell them why.
There are circumstances in which explaining why you’re saying no is cruel, or even unethical. But most of the time, it can help put their mind at ease. It’s the humane thing to do.

“My calendar is pleasantly full — and I’m striving to keep it from getting (un)pleasantly full. Thank you for understanding.”

“I’ve made a strong commitment to take care of my health this year. Which means saying ‘no’ more than I’d like — but as much as I need.”

“I’ve got several time- and energy-intensive projects on the horizon. I’m clearing the deck to make sure I can hit my deadlines. Without resorting to drugs. Or Doritos.”

“I’m trying an experiment in radical un-busy-ness. It involves saying ‘no’ a lot more than usual, to clear space for big & magnificent yes’s. (Want to do it with me?)”

5. Close with generosity.
Offer an alternative form of support (one that doesn’t trigger resentment, for you). Point them to unexpected resources. Send a blessing, or a piece of helpful advice.

“If you’re open to having me support you in a different way, I’d be more than willing to … ”

“I think you’ll really dig this free round-up of resources … ”

“These folks might be able to help you, sooner (and better) than me … ”

“I’m rooting for you — and I’ll be tweeting for you, too.”

And that’s it. No sweat.

Tell me: what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say “no” to?

What do you think might happen, if you said “no” 10 times more than usual, this week?

This post was first published at www.alexandrafranzen.com

Alexandra Franzen

When it comes to being a better writer — and a better human being — Alexandra Franzen has a ten-word philosophy: Start with love. Keep it simple. You are not confused. Alexandra’s refreshingly simple communication tips have been featured on Fast Company, Forbes, The Daily Love, The Daily Muse, MediaBistro, MindBodyGreen and The Huffington Post — and on radio programs from coast to coast. Learn more at www.alexandrafranzen.com.

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  • Jo Miller

    Great post, Alex. Thanks for letting us share it here.

  • Jasmin Haley

    This is an EXCELLENT post!!! As women we tend to fall prey to the feeling that we must be everything to EVERYONE. As a result our goals go to the wayside as we easily become distracted by taking care of other peoples priorities. Thank you for these tips! This will be a follow-up read for years to come!

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